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Those Who Should Read This
On Wednesday, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky appealed to Congress via video link for additional support in his country’s war against Russia. “The Daily Show” host Trevor Noah remarked that Zelensky “understood his audience based on his connections to American history.”
That’s correct, Zelensky highlighted all of America’s most significant landmarks, including the “I have a dream” speech, 9/11, and Mount Rushmore. You already know he spent last night researching this on Wikipedia: (Zelensky parody) Should I mention the Hulk Hogan sex tape? OK, Pearl Harbor, the Boston Tea Party. To quote: — TREVOR NOAH
In addition, kudos to him; he has a deeper understanding of his country than the majority of United States senators. What would they say if they were tasked with giving an eloquent speech based on the achievements of the Ukrainian people? (In U.S. Senator Imitation) “Uh, Ukrainians, do you recall the dream of your founder, whose name escapes me at the moment, but I think it was Daniel Ukraine?” In honour of TREVOR NOAH
To paraphrase Zelensky: “And now to 9/11, which as we all know from YouTube was inside work.'” “I’m also impressed that Zelensky was able to escape so many land mines in his research, because you realise this might have gone extremely badly. Bush, I see you. To quote: — TREVOR NOAH
Nonetheless, Zelensky went around the courts and made his case to Congress. To paraphrase what he actually said: “We need you right now.” The legislative branch responded, “Listen, we’d love to help, but we recently made daylight saving time permanent and we are wiped out, so.” According to Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We’re hesitant to grant Zelensky’s request to establish a no-fly zone above Ukraine due to the risk of nuclear war. But we’re willing to demonstrate our support at this month’s various award ceremonies by donning blue and yellow lapel pins, so there’s that. According to Jimmy Kimmel Live!
One-liners That Pack a Punch (Standing Ovation Edition)
The virtual address Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky gave to Congress this morning was met with a standing ovation, making him the first comic to ever merit such a response. For SETH MEYERS
I’ve used Zoom extensively, and I can say without a doubt that was the most enthusiastic response anyone has ever gotten. Initiated by SETH MEYERS
If it can get a roomful of retirees to their feet, you know it’s got some serious oomph. It’s possible that some of the knees in there were still functioning during Roosevelt’s presidency. The following is a transcript of an interview with STEPHEN COLBERT.
He received two ovations, both of which were standing. Though the applause was appreciated, I believe he would prefer invest in fighter aircraft. According to Jimmy Kimmel Live!
This was supported by members of both major political parties. It’s nearly unheard of, but both Republicans and Democrats supported him. It’s like trying to get Kim and Kanye to agree on a child care arrangement. According to Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Interesting Portions
Michael Bublé and Stephen Colbert sang a Canadian sea shanty on “The Late Show.”
What We Can’t Wait to See This Thursday Normani will be performing her new track on Thursday night’s episode of “The Tonight Show.”