Our Kinder, Gentler, Nobody-Moves-Out Divorce

A situation in which two people are no longer married and must share a home, but do so on separate floors.

The word itself seemed repulsive to me. Good women didn’t end up in divorce court. Before this, I had never done anything wrong. A decent, devout Catholic girl from the Midwest. I, on the other hand, was planning on ending my marriage.

Our Kinder, Gentler, Nobody-Moves-Out Divorce

Divorce is Never Easy

Divorce is never easy, and the accounts of it that I had heard were never inspiring. My first two friends to break up were the kindest, most loving people I’d ever known as a pair. One example involves a spouse who urinated on his soon-to-be ex-automobile. wife’s The other situation was far more disturbing. These once-caring individuals have become evil. In what way did that occur?

That’s exactly how it is, my buddies told me. The circumstances of their divorce turned them from passionate lovers into bitter adversaries. Money and belongings were sure to be a source of contention. Your only hope was to settle out of court and avoid spending a lot of money. They both lamented that it was hopeless to remain friendly with an ex after the dust had settled.

Really, I didn’t know what to think. How could this happen to a couple who loved each other, who had promised to spend their lives together, who had created such great children? Exactly why did everything have to go wrong?

In my thoughts, I kept going back and forth. Personally, I’ve found that most of us only develop deep relationships with a small group of people. Therefore, each of these private moments is priceless. My long-time husband and the father of my children had to rank high on my list of most significant people in my life. The last thing I wanted to do, then, despite the fact that we had passed the point of no return, was to make an enemy of him and cut him off from my life.

I was Resolved to Make it Through the Whole Affair Unscathed.

  1. The first thing I did was sit down and reflect on the outcome I wanted, which was for our relationship to dissolve in a way that was mutually respectful and honourable. I yearned for a complete family that could still take pleasure in the company of one another on special occasions like Christmas, New Year’s Eve, birthdays, and anniversaries. For a number of years, I meditated specifically on this aim. I’ve learned the hard way that divorces rarely happen overnight

2. Counseling – We saw several marriage counsellors, initially to try to save our marriage and then to guide us through the difficult discussions surrounding our separation.

Discussing potentially dangerous things in an enclosed space was a huge relief.

3. Thirdly, children, because we prioritised their needs and scheduled our days accordingly. We had been waiting for our youngest child to finish college and get a job and apartment before making any major changes at home.

4. Since we both want to stay out of court, we decided to try mediation. After realising that I needed an agent to represent my interests in those meetings, I proposed that we carry on our negotiations in writing.

5. Written Negotiation Despite the fact that our technique of responding to each other in emails was rather unconventional, it seemed to work for us. When putting our thoughts on paper, we both slowed down, became more deliberate, and, ultimately, were more concise and clear. Before responding to every new proposition, we gave ourselves time to consider the ramifications and consult with our legal counsel. We adapted the communication process to our own strengths rather than allowing the lawyers set the agenda.

6. even after breaking up, we still helped each other out with the same routines. I was able to assist him in putting the finishing touches on his home. He was a big assistance to me in getting my computer and books in order.

Since then, two years have passed, and both of the previous two Christmases have been celebrated with all of us at home. When one of us has to leave town, the other will watch their cat. As information on our offspring arrives, we all share it. Communication between us is simple.

I’m so relieved that this more amicable split was even an option.