Jimmy Kimmel: Biden Is Steady but Slow, Like ‘Grandpa at the Wheel’

“Joe Biden hasn’t even been president for a year. He’s like Grandpa behind the wheel, so don’t worry. As long as the blinker is on the whole time, I know he’ll get us there. — JIMMY KIMMEL

It was excellent news for Biden that he wasn’t Kamala Harris in the survey. S. T. COLBERT

Because she’s virtually got nothing to do, Kamala Harris has an approval rating of just 28%. So, “Tom Brady is OK, but I don’t like the way Blaine Gabbert has his legs folded on the bench.” In the words of Jimmy Kimmels

When Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, only 30 percent of Americans approved of him. Now, Kamala’s approval rating stands at just 28 percent. — JIMMY KIMMEL

To mimic Joe Biden, I say: As horrible as it seems, Jack, 38% isn’t bad at all. I can recall when 38 was the highest percentage. “Hey, fellas, what about 39?” exclaimed old Patty Numberton. Each of us agreed that it was the most brilliant concept we had heard in years. All of a sudden we were thinking, ‘Why not just start slicing bread?’ Having to spit out a loaf of bread is becoming old. Please don’t think I’m joking.’ S. T. COLBERT

This is the worst approval rating for a sitting president in the history of polling.” You’d like to guess who it was? He has a name that rhymes with rubbish dump. In the words of Jimmy Kimmels

Subpoenas have been served on 10 of Donald Corleone’s colleagues as part of the investigation into the Capitol disturbance. In the words of Jimmy Kimmels

As reported by the New York Times, “the big headline is that the Jan. 6 committee has issued six subpoenas to the ex-top president’s campaign associates, a collection of powerful dumb-dumbs who helped orchestrate last-ditch efforts to steal the election, a high stakes, low-I.Q. theft of democracy starring pardoned criminal General Grumpypants Michael Flynn.

Bernie Kerik, the recently pardoned felon, is known as the Scalp. “The Accessorizer” is the alias of disgraced lawyer John Eastman. “Bland Master Flash,” says campaign manager Bill Stepien. Angela McCallum, executive assistant: Tiffany’s back-up. In addition to Jason Miller, a top campaign adviser. S. T. COLBERT